Does having a strong reaction to your partner or family member’s compulsive or addictive behavior mean that you are codependent? Not necessarily.

Often, family members of people who struggle with compulsive behaviors or a substance use disorder are automatically labeled “codependent.” The argument people often use is, “If you weren’t codependent, you wouldn’t have such an extreme reaction to the addicts behaviors.” Codependency is about being emotionally affected by other people’s behaviors, right? Again, not necessarily.

Yes, there is a possibility that you are acting codependently, but there is also the possibility that your emotional reactions to the substance use or compulsive behavior is a trauma response.

Experiencing pain as a result of someone’s addictive behavior does NOT mean you are codependent.

While the term “codependency” can be helpful in identifying problematic thought patterns and behaviors that are unhealthy for the relationship, the assumption that a person is codependent if they have a strong emotional or physical reaction to a family member’s substance use or compulsive behavior is problematic. This assumption implies that there is something wrong with the person rather than understanding that the person impacted by the addiction may be experiencing trauma.

In any relationship where an addiction or compulsive behavior such as pornography usage or gambling are involved, the relationship will involve three recoveries: the addict’s recovery, the partner’s recovery, and the relationship’s recovery. The partner’s recovery process will only be successful if they can correctly identify what recovery will involve: is it a matter of healing trauma or is the reworking of codependent relationship patterns a part of the equation?

Let’s begin by distinguishing codependency from a trauma response.

What is codependency?

Codependency involves enabling behavior, a strong need for control, poor boundaries, emotional dysregulation, and a focus on someone else’s needs rather than your own. It involves lacking a sense of self and relying on other people to provide you with a sense of identity. For example, this can look like needing someone to notice that you did something well in order to feel good about yourself.

The addiction recovery world has made great strides in moving away from a moral model of addiction (seeing someone with an addiction as morally corrupt) to a disease model. There is still work to be done in removing the stigma from codependency and seeing it for what it is: a survival skill learned while attempting to survive a traumatic experience.

This survival skill–often learned as a child– is known as the fawning response. It is a way of becoming helpful to the aggressor in order to escape their threats. For many, this survival skill was learned amidst childhood trauma. If your needs were not met as a child, you learned that this fawn response could help you cope with the sense that there is something wrong with you or that you don’t matter. For example, you may have learned that you could avoid the threatening behavior of your parents if you became their caregiver by being helpful and focusing on their needs rather than your own. As a result, your identity might have become linked to becoming your parent’s caregiver or in taking care of others in general (especially at the expense of your own needs). This way of relating became a template for other relationships later in life.

Signs that you struggle with codependency include:

Finding it difficult to say “no” or set boundaries
Needing other people to notice your help so that you receive their approval
You like to play the savior role
You take on an exaggerated sense of responsibility for other people’s emotions or behaviors
You have difficulty expressing your needs
You do things for other people even when it makes you uncomfortable
You wish you could end a relationship, but you don’t because the other person depends on you

If this is you, please know that there is nothing wrong with you. You are a survivor–you adapted to the harsh relational environment and developed skills for your survival. These skills helped you survive, but they don’t serve you or your relationships any longer. Having a healthy relationship as an adult will mean replacing this survival skill with healthier relationship skills.

Recovering from codependency involves reminding yourself…

“I didn’t cause this problem”
“I can’t control this problem”
“I can’t cure this problem”

Interdependency, a characteristic of healthy relationships involving you and your partner’s ability to express your thoughts, feelings, and expectations without manipulating or controlling each other, is the path forward. Codependency involves control, while interdependence is about honesty.

Codependency is often a response to trauma, but not all people with trauma respond codependently.

What is trauma?

Trauma is an intense emotional response to a painful event that causes physical, emotional, spiritual, or psychological harm. What is traumatic to one person may not be traumatic to someone else. What matters is that you perceived or experienced the event as intensely threatening to your safety. Traumatic events leave you with an extreme sense of powerlessness and can shatter your beliefs in yourself and others.

Some symptoms of trauma include:

Re-experiencing symptoms such as flashbacks, memories, reliving the trauma, racing heart or sweating, bad dreams, and frightening thoughts. These triggers can happen suddenly and in full force. The person with trauma experiences the trigger as intensely as they experienced the original traumatic event.

Avoidance symptoms such as feeling emotionally numb, strong guilt, depression, worry, isolation, and using distractions to avoid feelings such as work, social media, binge watching tv shows
Hyperarousal symptoms such as being on edge and alert (hypervigilance), startle response, feeling stressed, and angry outbursts. This makes it difficult to concentrate, eat or even sleep.

People tend to react to their trauma in four different ways. These are known as the fight, flight, freeze, and fawn responses.

Fight- an aggressive response to fear

Flight- using substances or other behaviors to escape the fear/threat
Freeze- dissociate from anxiety through daydreaming, watching tv, scrolling on social media, or other distractions
Fawning- flatter or try to manipulate the abuser in an effort to stop the abuse

Distinguishing Codependency from a Trauma Response

Trauma is the consequence of a painful event, while codependency is a way that people attempt to avoid painful events and traumatic symptoms.

Codependency can be a way people try to protect themselves from their traumatic symptoms

Not all negative emotions related to the impact of addiction are signs of codependency. They may be indicators that you are wrestling with trauma. Chronic experiences of trauma and addiction can lead to symptoms of PTSD. You may be re-experiencing the traumatic feelings triggered by emotional memories from the addiction. Before assuming that you are codependent, it is important to pause and recognize that you may not be having a codependent relapse, but rather, a normal reaction to trauma.

Our brains are wired to look for danger and they use past experiences to inform us of what is or is not dangerous. Our brains are experts at noticing patterns. Even when your partner is in recovery from their addiction, you most likely will still have trauma reactions–such as hypervigilance– because your brain is receiving (and searching for) signals of threats. Your neural pathways have quick access to the traumatic emotional memories anytime your brain notices a familiar pattern.

It takes time and consistent experiences of trustworthy behavior for your brain and body to learn a new pattern and release the trauma.

For example, Jane learned that Joe’s drinking ritual involves getting up in the night to sneak in a few drinks while she is sleeping. Joe has been sober for two months now, is attending AA meetings, and has been honest with Jane throughout his recovery process. Jane feels grateful for his honesty and is learning to trust him more. One night, Joe gets up in the middle of the night to use the restroom. Jane immediately feels panic sweep through her body–her heart is racing, beads of sweat are forming on her forehead, and it is taking every ounce of energy she has to not jump out of bed to see what Joe is actually doing. Joe returns to bed and Jane is sobbing, overwhelmed with anxiety.

Codependency or trauma?

You guessed it. This is a trauma response.

Jane is in the midst of her own recovery as her brain is beginning to learn new patterns. This will take time and consistent encounters with trustworthy behavior from Joe, her partner in recovery, before her body, mind, and heart can truly feel safe again.

This is different from codependent behaviors that involve trying to control, guilt, or manipulate the partner in recovery or trying to manage their life, addiction or recovery process. Trauma is the brain’s reaction to learned threats, while codependency is a person’s efforts to avoid the threat through control.

That being said, it is possible to have both trauma and be using codependent behaviors. For example, if you have experienced betrayal or been lied to many times during the active phase of your partner or family member’s addiction, you may be hypervigilant (trauma response) and have difficulty expressing your needs or expectations out of fear of it causing your partner or family member to relapse (codependency).

The couple’s recovery involves developing a new relationship based on honesty about individual and relationship needs. This can occur even before trust is rebuilt. For example, one partner sharing with the other partner that they are struggling to trust right now and the other partner listening without defensiveness is a step toward interdependency.

Finding the next right step

Not all strong emotions are unhealthy. Understanding what is codependency and what is PTSD helps us understand emotions and find the path forward. If you and your partner have been impacted by an addiction or compulsive behavior and think that you are experiencing trauma and/or codependency, consider contacting a trauma-informed therapist who can support you and your partner as you recover individually and relationally.

If you would like to deepen the emotional connection in your relationship and develop a weekly practice for honest communication…

Click here to receive a FREE Weekly Check-in Guide for Couples

Sources:

Navarra, R., Gottman, J. M., & Gottman, J. (2017). Couples & Addiction Recovery Manual. The Gottman Institute, Inc.

https://psychcentral.com/lib/trauma-and-codependency#trauma-bonding

https://couplerecovery.org/trauma-is-not-codependency-learning-the-difference/