You’ve made plans to visit your dysfunctional family over the holidays, and now you’re probably noticing yourself pushing through and telling yourself, “just get through this one day and it will all be okay.” But the reality is it’s not just getting through that one day…it’s getting through all the days leading up to it and all the days to follow.
You’ve learned that keeping the peace will smooth things over just enough to get you through, but it comes at a cost. Keeping the peace means abandoning yourself over and over. This kind of self-abandonment can look like:
Making plans that make you feel unsafe, even though you’d rather white knuckle your way through that family day then create massive waves by asserting that you’d rather not go to that one gathering and interact with the person who traumatized you in the first place
Being pleasant and kind to people who criticize or hurt you because you don’t want to ruin the “mood of the day”
Over-extending yourself to make it to every family event because you don’t want to let anyone down or inconvenience anyone. You’d love to enjoy the holiday with friends or people you feel safe with, but it would mean disappointing your dysfunctional family and facing criticisms that you are being “selfish.”
Staying in conversations that make you uncomfortable because you don’t want someone to think you are rejecting them. You’re held hostage by a conversation and tell yourself you’ll just have to deal with it after the fact on your own (or with your therapist).
This is where I get to remind you that these decision points around abandoning yourself or committing to be a safe person to yourself are what the healing work is made of. The micro-moments matter because the more you are consistent in showing up as a safe person for yourself, the more you will heal your trauma.
Trauma is all about gathering back to ourselves all the pieces that have been scattered and fragmented as a result of needing to survive.
Let’s just get it out of the way now that people will think you are selfish, rude, or unkind. Don’t be surprised when this happens, and don’t take it to heart, because here’s the truth:
When a fawner (someone who people-pleases to protect themselves) stops fawning, there will be friction.
And the friction does not indicate whether or not you made the right choice. Sometimes we notice that we created waves and we think we did something wrong. In reality, the friction is a natural (and predictable) result of breaking an ingrained, unhealthy relational dynamic. When someone chooses a healthy pattern in a relationship with a dysfunctional person, there will be friction. You upset the status quo!
Here are 3 Important Steps to Take to Support Yourself Through The Holiday:
Create a Safety Plan
Take time before the family gathering to anticipate the difficult situations that you might come up against and prepare yourself with responses and an exit plan so that you can be in control of your sense of safety.
Having a safety plan means not going into the holiday hoping everything will just be okay and you can slip right through unharmed. A safety plan is all about giving you options and empowering you to show up feeling prepared and grounded regardless of other people’s behavior.
Explore the Boundaries You Want to Have
Get clear on what boundaries you need to feel safe. This can range from not going to the gathering at all to deciding what topics you will/will not discuss with that dysfunctional family member.
When we grow up in homes where we had to go along with what others needed or wanted, it is easy to feel guilty for having boundaries. So try this: Imagine younger you growing up in this family. Imagine protecting them as the loving parent they always needed. This is where your commitment to be a safe person to yourself and self-trust continues to grow.
Create a Recovery Plan
This is the part we often forget. There’s relief when we finally got through the day that we forget that being in a toxic environment (especially the dysfunctional home that our trauma originated in) takes a toll on our nervous systems.
We need to intentionally move that experience through our bodies so we can metabolize the experience healthily rather than just collect more pain. This proactive step will also give you the peace of mind that you will have support in place regardless of what toxic sh** someone throws at you.
As a short-term recovery plan, start by setting up a support system and self-care plan for after the gathering so that you can recover and experience the validation and love you need to feel safe and grounded. Long-term, consider taking an extra day off work to process and regroup. Or have a session set up with your therapist in advance so that you can debrief and process the experience after.
Don’t Forget to Keep Perspective & Be Gentle
Practicing advocating for yourself and setting up structures to help you feel safe and supported is part of healing your trauma. I’d encourage you to not just let this be a family event on the calendar to get through and to see it instead as an opportunity to deepen your healing work.
You get to decide to what degree you start engaging your voice and practicing self-advocacy. This work is HARD and you may try setting a boundary only to find yourself falling back into people-pleasing patterns. Don’t beat yourself up. Instead of saying “I knew better, how could I let myself do this?” take a moment to consider just how unsafe you must have felt that you felt the need to survive through people-pleasing. Hold yourself there tenderly. This is scary stuff, and your willingness to try is a step in the right direction—it is a step forward.
